Cigar Weekly

Our former prime minister was snapped by newspaper photographers in Adelaide earlier this year, wreathed in a cloud of pungent smoke with a fat stogie in his paw.

Good on ya Bob, and I hope you still enjoy a beer or two (in moderation, of course) as well.

In fact, in the politically incorrect stakes he's right up there in the pantheon of all-time greats such as businessman John (``pig's arse'') Elliott, himself another enthusiastic smoker and tippler, and the likes of Tommy Raudonikis.

Australia needs more role models like this if we are ever to check the creeping tide of nanny-state controls on our life. I wonder what, for example, Hawkie thinks of current Health Minister Nicola Roxon, and her recent floating of a proposal that would require anyone in Australia wanting to buy tobacco products to be officially licensed as a smoker. Yes, we're serious here. We're not talking North Korea or Soviet-era Russia. We're talking 21st century Australia.

Roxon has warned she is prepared to embark on radical courses of action which may include innovative options such as a permit system for smokers.

The system would reportedly work in the same fashion as a similar scheme currently mooted for Britain. There, Health England is examining a permit system to discourage smokers from persisting with the habit.

According to Health England's chairman Julian Le Grand: ``You've got to get a form, a complex form -- the government's good at complex forms; you have got to get a photograph.

``It's a little bit of a problem to actually do it, so you have got to make a conscious decision every year to opt in to being a smoker.''

Already (and fair enough too) smokers may have to provide ID when buying tobacco if there is any suspicion that they may be under 18. It's the same way that ID may be required to buy alcohol or tickets for a restricted classification film.

This is not a defence of smoking. It is bad for you, offensive to others and damned expensive, but it is still a choice that adult Australians are entitled to make for themselves.

And just how would a scheme such as this be policed, and who would police it? Are we going to have crack flying squads of Tobacco Control Officers prowling our shopping centres and streets?

``You there with the Winfield Blues. Stop where you are and put your hands in the air. Now, slowly please, show me your ID and tobacco licence. I'm sorry sir, your licence has expired. Book him Danno.''

And what of cigarette vending machines (which are only found in licensed premises where you have to be 18 to gain entry)?

Being a frequenter of such establishments I often avail myself of said vending machines when halfway through a binge drinking session (which under current definitions is apparently two pots of beer). Very handy things they are too.

Such a permit system could also prove interesting when it comes to overseas tourism.

Are we going to stretch the already long queues at Customs by requiring any international visitor who wants to smoke while on holiday here to pay for a Temporary Tobacco Visa?

And just how much information will be collected at point of sale? Will the system work along similar lines to the one used to control the sale of cold and flu medicines that contain psuedoephedrine?

``Sorry sir, but we notice this is the second carton of cigarettes you have bought this week. We cannot legally sell you any more and are required to report you to the Cigarette Control Board for suspicion of purchasing for the purpose of illegal supply.''

Inevitably with such draconian policies, one then wonders what other areas of our lives our regulators might seek to apply similar restrictions to.

Alcohol, already targeted by the social reformers for health warnings, is a likely candidate. But what other aspects of Australian life could be similarly controlled?

What of, say, sunbaking, given that we have the highest rates of melanoma in the world?

We could have squads of Tanning Officers patrolling our beaches and issuing permits to bask for a set period of time only. Once you've reached your time limit you must leave the beach immediately or face hefty fines and the possible loss of your health insurance cover. No More It's the Law.

And such temporary permits would only be issued upon producing your tanning licence and a doctor's certificate stating you are not genetically predisposed to sun cancers.

I shudder to think what awaits us when the health Nazis turn their attention to the likes of meat pies and Chiko Rolls.